Turmoil of the Heart

Christina Souza Ma

Have you ever had to make decisions and choices that affect others’ wellbeing?

Not easy, is it?

I just realized recently that I have been blinded yet again in my life. Maybe not so much blinded, but I’ve put blinders up on either side of my head so that I could not use my peripheral vision.

I had been told this before by a loved one – that I forget about myself and put the needs of others before mine. The conclusion is that I end up creating an imbalance in myself, which in turn affects my loved ones and our relationships. Relationships that, after time, I take advantage of by assuming they understand my decisions.

This time, my loved one is my own child. By his actions, he is letting it be known how my decisions are affecting him. How my attempt to support others is causing him turmoil because of the stress I emanate in my being, my presence.

My son has been ever so patient with my long hours of work six days a week. I continue to work even after hours when it should instead be our time together. He thinks that my partner and I are constantly bickering because of the seriousness of some discussions.

My son has begun to act up this past week. He has never been one to need me. He has never been a needy child. But this past week, he put a time limit on the time that he is away from me. Letting me know that it is no longer okay.

To others it may seem like he is being superficially fussy or difficult. I see beyond. He speaks to me and let’s me know why. “I miss you, Mummy.”

As a mother, this awareness is painful. It’s not easy to face the fact that your child wants to spend precious time with you and you alone because of what you didn’t realize was a form of neglect.

I am so blessed to have my little (old soul) Zen Master by my side. The lessons he teaches me are powerful ones.
[tags]zen master, my child, blessing, tough to make decision, listen to my loved one, spending time with my child[/tags]

Author: Christina Souza Ma

Christina has lived many lives – from professional Cosmetologist, L’Oreal’s Technical Commercial Director of South East Asia, Hair and Make-up designer behind the camera, to Actor and Body worker. Many years ago, Christina had a vision to create an entity that would

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